Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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