I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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