At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
