I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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