listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
