I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize