he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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