There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
