its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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