I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
