At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
