If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It's rum buckets o'clock
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
