He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
