nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
