she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
