Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
