I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
