I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize