I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
