she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
