I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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