I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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