I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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