So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
ttyl tear gas
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
