I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
