The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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