so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
