I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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