I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
