new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
