level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
