Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
