i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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