I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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