K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
