A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
