Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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