i can't believe i had my finger in that
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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