All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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