Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
