Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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