Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The uberlube is also flammable
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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