im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
