u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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