i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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