i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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