Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
