I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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