dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
