I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Let's get the cat blown out
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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