Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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