I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize