I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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