dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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