i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
