Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
