that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
