i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
