I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
