Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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