I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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